Dear Karma
by Mint-Cookie Monster
Summary: Nagisa wants to open up more to people but he's afraid that if he does, everything will fall apart. Instead he writes letters to Karma which Karma will never read. So how does Nagisa really feel?
1. Chapter 1

Dear Karma,

I can't do this anymore. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do.

I don't even know who my best friend is anymore, it's at the point you prefer to talk to other people and I can't do it, I've tried to let you be friends with others and not get in the way, but I hate it so much. I want someone to be there for me and never judge me but also understand me.

Nobody grasps the fact that I hate being alone, i hate just sitting there not knowing what to say to make people talk to me and how they get annoyed if I can't hear them, people tease me for my observations or people say I'm cute in teasing matters or tell me about how to do things when I like to do it my way.

I hate being alone so much. It always makes me think of all the things I've had to do on my own, like when I was in D-class. It was hell to me, nobody realised i was in that class for weeks, nobody spoke to me or acknowledged me. Do you have any idea how upset that makes me? Cause when your talking to people and I'm just sat there it makes think 'is it always going to be like this?' Am I going to be thrown aside and spoken to when needed?

People think I'm clingy, I understand that. But it's because I don't want to be on my own or let go of the people who make me smile.

I can't cry, I've got to the point where I've given up trying.

And I hate having to start conversations or be called loner, I hate how your always with someone else and I can't speak to you, I hate how people either like or are scared of you. Your the only person I've been willing to talk to when I need help or just to talk.

But I hate how useless I am.

And sometimes I want to end it all. To just die, it's not like anyone will miss me that much.

You probably think I'm just trying to get attention but I'm not, I just don't know what to do anymore.

But as long as other people are happy, than I will carry on being ignored no matter how much I'm hurting.

Your comments are just trying to make me feel better, as if your trying to please me or make me leave you alone.

So now I'm at crossroads, whether do give up or carry on.

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok so this chapter's quite short but I'm going to do my best to upload daily in this one.**

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Dear Karma,

I had my hair cut today, I had to have the split ends cut off and my mother kept on telling the hairdresser on how my hair is so pretty, I hated it. Throughout the whole thing I kept looking down and when I looked up I saw my hair...

I wanted to cry so much, my eyesight was blurry but I tried my best to look pleased.

I'm used to my hair being long so whenever I'm alone or out of my mothers watchful eye, I tie it up so that I can't see it and hopefully forget about it.

One day I just hope I can have my hair how I want it.

I can't wait for that day, if it will ever happen that is.

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok guys, here is today as chapter and so far I have written 12 chapters for this story. There all pretty short but there is one for everyday.**

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Dear Karma,

Today we didn't talk in the morning, we just stood near each other until everyone left for lunch, it was a little awkward but things went back to normal after a while.

We had fun talking about finding ways to assassinate Korosensei.

Later on we had a free break so we went outside with Kayano and played ball.

We were had fun talking and I laughed so much! At one point Kayano slipped over in the rain and mud and ended up falling over, she just laid there defeated until you threw the ball at her.

Kayano didn't see the ball until it hit her in her *ahem* womanly area... She squealed as you laughed at her.

And she chased you too!

I loved seeing you two get along, but it did make me a little sad.

Because I hate not being apart of it...

I don't feel so sad right now, I have that feeling you get when your remembering your fifth birthday party and how perfect it was.

My heart feels heavy but happy at the same time...

What does it mean?

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Karma,

I'm not having fun, I'm stuck at this gathering with so many people who I have never met. I hate it so much, and it's like everyone's watching me.

I want to go home so badly and hide under my bed where no one will find me.

I can't hear anything either, it all sounds so muffled to me and I'm starting to panic, I can't understand anyone or when someone's calling me it looks rude of me.

So what should I do? You always shrug it off and speak louder for me and it hurts my feelings.

I hate a lot about myself.

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Karma,

Lunch was fun today, you plaited Kayano's hair again and we had one of the best conversations ever! It was hilarious.

Kayano wanted to keep her fringe out and you were doing your best to help her so I threw my mirror at Kayano to catch, except my aim was off and it went up her skirt (that's twice now) and you couldn't do anything but laugh at us. Kayano threw the mirror back at me which hit my phone and I dropped it on the floor (it was fine) I was laughing a fair bit.

We checked homework and I was throwing my pen in the air and you asked to borrow it to measure the straightness of the plaits and I threw it at you but instead it hit Kayano.

Kayano said "you hit me in my t*t"

But you thought she said "you hit me in my d*ck"

"I didn't know you were a transvestite" you commented which made me laugh and Kayano go red.

We carried on talking and Kayano was talking to me shouted "I don't have a d*ck!"

In which you said "let me see"

And looked over her shoulder to look at the plaits,Which made it look like he was checking for a d*ck. It was hilarious enough as if was, but to have Karasuma, Irina and Lovro walk in was plain embarrassing.

Karasuma looked put out and Irina was smirking while Lovro was just looking at us strangely.

It was such fun today, I hope it happens again.

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Karma,

I had fun today, at lunch you styled Kayano's hair into French plaits and you did it really quickly.

We also had a study session in the library and we made revision sheets, we talked about Amaya's ex boyfriends and who Yukio is dating. Turns out they've dated each others best friends.

Imagine dating your best friend? That would just be so awkward when they break up.

What else? oh yeah, we went to a cafe and has puddings which was really great. It tasted really nice and Kayano was practically bouncing in her seat.

I hope we can do it again.

sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Karma,

I'm scared to go. I don't want to join any clubs because I'm scared of getting hurt. Not physically as in a scratched knee, as in mentally. I don't want to go because I'm scared no one will talk to me or ignore me and that if I become friends with anyone I'm scared that they'll just leave.

I think people think that I'm joking when I say I don't want to be alone but I'm really not. I don't want to be left alone just like the beginning of year or when I lost friends after I was put in E class. I hate being in classes in my own as it is and I'm scared that if I go to cadets that will happen. Everytime

I'm lonely or on my own I just think 'I'm all alone now' and I can't stand it.

If I go to cadets I'm scared of what will happen.

The other reason is something I didn't is because of my mum.

My mother is set on me being a girl, I'm her tog doll. She refuses to let me join cadets as its a boy thing and not for girls like me. I want her to stop, to stop treating me as someone I'm not...

I hate a lot about my life because of my stupid fears, feelings and mother.

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Karma,

Guess what, i feel sad again. I was uncertain if I should go to the Fair that was in town so I texted you asking if I should go or not. I knew you would be with friends but you said I should go and that it will be fun. So I said ok.

And guess what, I never went.

I feel so hurt and i don't know why you did this to me, it just hurts.

You promised me that you would tell me what the plan was the day of the Fair but you never even texted me.

Why? That's all I want to know.

You lied to me about wanting to be there for me and you set me up, I don't even know what to do.

I'm just sat there with my heart aching and my head pounding waiting for you to text or at least apologise. But knowing you, you'll text me tonight either saying sorry or pretending it never happened.

So I wonder what's going to happen, are you avoiding me or what?

Because I don't want others to carry on hurting my feelings.

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Karma,

Hey Karma. I'm so so sorry, I'm sorry you have to put up with me.

I'm fed up with feeling so useless and stupid all the time, I hate it so much.

If I was to die what would you do? Would you cry? Shrug it off? Or sigh in relief?

I feel like I get in everyone's nerves and that everyone talks about me behind my back, I guess I'm being paranoid again..

God, I hate this.

I'm just sitting here feeling sorry for myself while you get to do god knows what.

Sometimes I want to die, I'm not doing it for attention I just feel

Like it. If I was to leave this place and never come back I wouldn't mind.

Some days I want to curl up and die, but other days I refuse to think of it.

Almost like someone crying themselves to sleep and the next day pretend that nothing happened.

I guess i am alright when it comes to acting. I pretend to be that nice and comforting friend who loves to laugh and be stupid, when really I want someone else to do it.

I want someone to make me laugh and forget about the sadness and always do their best to include me when no ones talking to me.

But that will never happen will it Karma? Because your the kind of guy who leaves me alone or makes me feel like sh*t.

I wonder if you really like me, or just using me like everyone else.

I want you to read this and tell me what you really think of me.

But guess what, You never will.

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey guys! I hope your enjoying this story! I'm going to post an authors note and I really want you guys to read it as it's important to this story. I'm going to be honest on that chapter so I desperately need you to read** i **t. It may make you feel a little sad or make you hate me I don't know, guess we'll have to see.**

Dear Karma,

I want you and her to stop. To stop telling me I look like a girl and stop dressing me like a girl.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be someone who everyone doesn't see?

I want someone to be there to hug me or cove me comfort and talk to me when I'm lonely.

Not someone who dresses me like a girl or harasses me.

I hate it so much.

I hate you...

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	11. Chapter 12

Dear Karma,

I don't really feel like doing anything. My head hurts so much it's like something trying to get in my head and mess up everything. My eyes are drooping and I'm trying to stay awake but I can't.

I don't want to do anything but curl up and sleep.

I felt so lonely today and I want it to be over with.

I didn't tell you, i just laughed it off as best as I could.

But did you notice? I bet you didn't...

Why can't anyone notice?

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	12. Chapter 13

Dear Karma,

Yesterday was the hottest day so far, I practically died! Still, since we won the exams we all got the afternoon off and we all just got to rest. Although with your hair being red we had to stay in the shade of the trees so that you wouldn't get burnt.

You claimed that you couldn't see because of the sun but it was easy to see that you didn't want to burn.

I made you and Kayano wear sun cream and put on after sun too.

Korosensei also gave all of us ice cream. It was a European ice lolly called a 'twister' I think. Only when we were in the shade Kayano was eating the lolly when you had to comment.

"Well you look at that, Kayano's deep throating" Karma said.

Kayano choked on her lolly as she pulled it out of her mouth "I am not!" She squeaked.

"How many times have you given b.j?" Karma asked as he licked his lolly.

"I've never given one!"

"Really? Cause it looks like you have"

Kayano went bright red and Karma laughed as he licked his lolly again.

"Is there something your. It telling us?" I asked as I sucked my lolly.

Karma laughed as he watched Kayano go red.

Karma leant back as he placed his lolly in his mouth.

"I can't go that far, I mean j can do it but I gag if it goes too far" he said as he took it out of his mouth.

"You have a gag reflex? Show me" I said as I examined my lolly. I still had a lot left.

Karma shrugged and deep throated the lolly, he managed to do it for at least 15 seconds until he gagged.

Kayano giggled as I threw back my head and laughed.

"OK than Nagisa, can you do it"

I shrugged as I placed the lolly down my throat and deep throated, I managed to do it for 20 seconds before jumping in shock.

"What the hell?" A voice said from behind us said as we all whipped around.

Karasuma, Bitch sensei and Lovro were all stood behind us. How we didn't know they were there we never know.

But explaining to them was embarrassing.

And how you said that we were learning how to give a b.j did not help.

You are embarrassing Karma, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	13. Chapter 14

**I'm Sorry it's been a while! I've been on holiday!**

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Dear Karma,

I wasn't feeling to bad today, I wasn't feeling so...well, dead.

It's not easy for me to talk about my feelings, I normally just tell you and pretend it never happened. But lately it's been getting worse.

All because of me.

I crave love and affection from friends and family and I'm desperate for something.

Whether it's just a hug or leaning someone I don't care, I just want affection.

Like today we were watching the rounder tournament and there weren't enough seats so Kayano sat next to me with Okuda on the other side of me, you sat on my lap and laughed at stuff on your phone and I talked to Kayano.

It was nice as I got to talk to people I like and I guess it's the closest I can get for a hug.

Although later on you sat next to me and I leaned against Kayano and put my feet on you. It was actually quite comfy! Although I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

It's an LSC day tomorrow which stands for life skills and choices. Our class is having sex ed and drugs ed, so that will be fun...(that was sarcasm Karma)

Sincerely, Nagisa Shiota


	14. Chapter 15

**Hey! It's been a while hasn't it? I'm sorry for how longs its been...**

 **But hey, guess what! We're finally getting to the drama! I decided to add some drama because i wanted to wrap this story up. But i have some stuff i need to tell you.**

 **First of all, the next few chapters are not just going to be set as letters, they are actually going to be little scenes. Also there will be mentions of self harm (I wanted to mention that jut in case it triggers anyone) and language.**

 **Also check out my other story Mr and Mrs Akabane! I'm updating it soon!**

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Dear Karma,

It's been a while since I've written to you. Its hard for me to pick up the pen and place it on paper, I guess I don't have the will...

Lately I've been hanging out with Kayano more than you, you don't seem to care anyway... You spend more time with Rio now. Sure you do talk to me but it doesn't feel the same anymore. Ever since the exams you've been more distanced and distracted, it kinda hurts. But honestly I just feel empty when I think about you. I tried my best to talk to you during the term break and I even had the courage to ask you to meet up!

We said that we would plan the meet up in the morning seeing as it was quite late, you agreed and said that you would message tomorrow and said you were excited.

My mother was at work the whole day so I was alone, I chatted with Kayano for a bit online and it was fun! We made jokes and laughed, until she had to leave. After that I waited for you to text me, you didn't reply at all.

I was really worried and messaged you so much! I tried on so many apps, I texted you, I called you, I was so worried... I thought you had done something crazy and got yourself injured in a fight. I didn't hear from you at all that day...

I spent half the night texting you and Kayano until you answered, I even asked the group chat about where you were...

Some seemed worried for you, except Teresaka and his friends, they didn't care. I didn't sleep well that night, actually I haven't slept well ever since.

You messaged me the day we were meant to meet... actually you messaged me the _night_ we were meant to meet, _12 hours after we were meant to meet._

 **20:46PM**

 **Nagisa: Thanks.**

 **Karma: Hey sorry plz don't say that...**

 **Nagisa: Say what..**

 **Karma: That I hurt your feelings...**

 **Nagisa: So what was it this time?**

 **Karma: I'm round Rio's...**

 **Nagisa: Oh...**

 **READ 21:17PM**

 **Nagisa: Am I that worthless? I don't even get a reply?**

 **21:53PM**

 **Karma: I'm really sorry I should of replied quicker..**

 **Nagisa: Doesn't matter. you have better things to worry about. I was just worried about you.**

 **Karma: No I don't. I'm so sorry I really shouldn't of done that, I've realised that now, I'm so sorry Nagisa**

 **READ 21:48PM**

 **Karma:...Nagisa? plz talk to me...**

 **READ 21:53PM**

I didn't reply for a while... I just sat there feeling numb. That's when my eyesight grew blurry, i was home alone so i didn't have to worry about my mother. My eyesight grew blurry and my heart twisted, a strangled sound came out of my mouth, my throat tightening up painfully. That's when the tears started to fall.

Can't you see how hard I've tried? How much effort i put in? How come you hate me?

I...I've made my decision.

You've driven me too far...

You're nothing to me...

I might as well end it, I'll wait for it. I will end it all...

Your friend, Nagisa Shiota

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 **Please review on what you think is going to happen! I want to know what you think of this story!**


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